Dear Council . . .
GENUINE EX'I'RACTS OF LETTERS SENT TO GRIMSBY BOROUGH COUNCIL REPAIRS DEPARTMENT:

I wish to complain that my Father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother?

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path, Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Will you please send a man to mend my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.

(Author unknown)

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Mick Armitage (e-mail)